Psalms 10:1 “Why do you stand far off, why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?”

“What do people mean when they say: ‘I am not afraid of God because I know He is good’?  Have they never been to a dentist?”   C.S. Lewis, “A Grief Observed.”

As I continue on my journey to the heart of God, I am becoming aware of a very painful understanding,  God does not love me on my terms, He loves me on His.  There is no saying to God: “If you really loved me you would…”   We all know that it is faith that pleases God (Hebrews 11:6), so what is faith but believing that when God does not fit our idea of what a loving God should be, we will still believe he loves us.

C.S. Lewis wrote  “A Grief Observed” after his beloved wife died.  In the torment of his grief  he described how he came to God, knocked on His door pleading for help, but there was no answer.  In fact he heard the door being latched on the other side and then heard it being bolted.  He saw the lights go out and he peered through the window, certain someone was home.   He felt like a little lost child in his grief.  He observes at one point: “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”  Surely God would reach down to one of his grief stricken, fearful little children?  But He didn’t. Where was that divine comforting presence, where was that warm soothing voice of God when he needed it most?

Is there some clue buried in this cry of David, who also sought God in time of great need and it seemed as if God shut the door to His house and was hiding?   The word for stand is ta’amod which comes from the root word ’amad and is used of a servant who is standing by his master ready to meet his master’s every need.  Sometimes we get our roles a little reversed and God becomes our servant rather we His.  We expect Him to be that faithful servant standing by our side to offer assistance in a moment’s notice.

If we look at this word esoterically we find that God is ready to come to our side in a moment’s notice, but it is on His terms, not ours.  What are His terms?  Let’s take a closer look at this  word ‘amad.  The word is spelled Ayin which represents spiritual insight,  a deep examination into your own heart to understanding your relationship with God.  This is followed by a Mem which represents the knowledge God has already given you, in past victories, miracles, and the promises of His Word.   The final letter is the Daleth  which pictures a doorway or portal between you and God’s comfort and ministry.  This is also seen as a door to His heart.  The key to opening this door is the Ayin and the Mem, meditating on His promises, his revealed knowledge and past faithfulness and believing that He will continue to be faithful.

There are many words in the Hebrew for stand. God gave David this particular word, ta’amod because hidden in this word, in the very first word of his complaint, he is given the answer to his question.  The moment he asks the question, God gave Him his answer.  He just had to sit down and think about it and ask himself the question, “Why did I just say “ta’amod?”   For you see the word “ta’amod” is in an imperfect form, a future tense.  Yet, embedded in that word is something that is also found in a perfect tense, it could ‘also mean: “Where are  you?”  God asked the question first, “Where are you?” In other words just as David is asking God why He is standing far off God has already been asking David, “Where are you?” That is, the moment he speaks that word amad (stand, a servant standing ready to serve) he had his answer.  Like C.S, Lewis David is standing at God’s door knocking and he hears the door being lock, he would then know that the key to unlock the door is ta’amod (God asking him, “Where are you?”)   God was not locking him out, he was only locking the door and giving him the key to open it so that he and only he could enter.  God locked the door so that none of those demons of fear, grief and sorrow could enter into the house or heart of God.

Our idea of love is that if God really loved us He would instantly come to our aid and comfort us.   Yet, God’s idea of love is that we use the key to His heart (meditation on his revealed knowledge and faith) to enter into His heart to find His comforted.  Once we enter His heart, we lock the door behind us and shut out all those other lovers of fear, grief and sorrow that pursue us and rest in the arms of our only true Lover.