I recall a story an old rabbi told me when I told him I as studying Hebrew.  He looked at me and asked why I would wanted to study Hebrew.  I told him I was a Bible College student and one day I hoped to preach and I wanted to be able to preach from the depths of the Holy Scriptures.  The nodded knowingly and asked: “So it is to preach that you wish to study the Holy Scriptures in Hebrew? I said it was something like that. He then told me a story of two men entering a beautiful tropical rain forest.  Today here in silence I think of two men entering a period of silence before God.  One was seeking a priceless ancient relic.  The other was seeking the beauty and tranquility of the environment as he had a troubled soul and he was seeking rest for his soul.  Both men returned from their journey having found what they were looking for.  One found the ancient priceless relic and he traveled the world and great fame and fortune came to him for this ancient relic.  The other also found what he was searching for, peace and rest for his soul.  To him many from all over the world who had troubled souls came seeking the secret to his peace.  The rabbi then asked me directly, “Are not the Holy Scriptures a beautiful tropical rain forest and why do seek to enter.  To find little gems so you can impress your people with your wisdom and knowledge so they will say: “Oy, what a learned man you are, come come we must sit under your teaching.”  Or do you wish to embrace the Holy Scriptures, experience its beauty and peace so other will come to you seeking the source of your peace.

I paused to wonder why I came to the Abbey to be in silence. Was I seeking some new revelation or experience from God so I could impress my readers with my great knowledge or was I seeking peace for my trouble soul.  Like the Captain, I was here seeking peace and rest for my troubled soul and indeed I found what I was searching for.

I was reminded of my first day when I overlooked the lake and saw the small waves and the sparkle of light at the tips of the waves. Multitudes upon multitudes of sparkles that faded as quickly as they shined.  I am just one of the multitudes, a flash, an instant upon this earth of no more significance that the light next me or on the other side of the lake. Yet, in my time of silence I found that despite the billions upon billions of lives God created I am still special and important to Him.  If the physicist are correct and time is linear and God lives outside of time I like to believe that He has died on that cross over a billion times, He has suffered and was tortured billions of times which means he suffered and died for each one of us personally and for me and me alone personally. I could be one less suffering and dying for Him but he still chose to die for me.  Yeah I know that is crazy thinking. You think crazy things like that when you are silent before God.  I have many other crazy thoughts which I dare not share as you will be convinced I am certifiable.

At the end of my journey to the statutes I found the same two statutes I saw the first time I was at the Abbey only this time I must have matured to a point to notice something I had not noticed the first time. I noticed the statute  of Jesus in the Garden praying only he was not on knees against a rock praying a polite little prayer as somehow my mind remembers it but now I saw that He was  on his knees looking up to heaven in agony praying.  I felt He was  praying for me personally as I believe he has also prayed for your personally. He was praying to let this cup pass from Him.  What was this cup?  The suffering He would experience the next day?  In Aramaic the word cup in Matthew 26:39 is casa which is also the Aramaic word for a pelican.  A pelican has that cup shaped pouch under her bill and was noted for its tender care for it young. If one of its chicks died it was believed she could resurrect it by feeding it with her blood.  You know I have to wonder if maybe it was not the anticipation of the  physical torment that caused Jesus to sweat drops of blood but that it was his overwhelming love for us as the pelican feels for its chicks to shed her own blood to free her chick from death.  Perhaps Jesus felt our suffering, our agony over our sins such that He was so overwhelmed with love for us that he cried out to the Father to just give him some relief from this overwhelming grief as he took on our sins. Even while we were yet sinners, He loved us and died for us.  A little further down the trail was another statute this of the disciples who were asleep.  They were asleep while the Savior suffered for their sins. How can we sleep as our Savior agonizes over our sinful state?

I ask myself, am I sleeping while my Savior agonizes over a lost world?  I renewed my deal with God that I made on my first visit.  If he would weep with me when my heart is broken, I will l weep with Him when His heart is broken.

It is now almost four weeks since my return from the Abbey.  I am sitting in my apartment praying and feeling that urge to enter God’s heart, to enter His weeping room. I wonder whose heart I will see.  I read on the internet about the mass killings by a terrorist in the gay community.  I read about the gay lovers and partners grieving over their loss, a man crying with a broken heart over the death of his male lover.  I am repulsed over these feelings that were not meant to come for a man for another man but only from a man for a woman.  I couldn’t wrap my mind around and yet as I entered that weeping room there is Jesus holding that heart, weeping over that broken heart.  I look at Jesus and wondered, “How can you weep for someone who has so perverted your creative design.”  But Jesus only said to me: “He is just a sinner like you and I love Him so. You promised to weep with me when my heart is broken, will you weep with me as I weep for this broken heart?” I was repulsed, the whole idea seemed somehow – creepy.  Then all of a sudden, from way down deep inside of me, from the very depths of my being, my soul, my heart I began to weep, deep heavy sobs filled with sorrow, heartbreak and grief and I bore the burden of this one whom God loves and stood in the gap for him.