Song of Solomon 3:1:  “By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not.”

“I love you not only for what you are but for what I am when I am with you.” – Roy Croft

Last evening as I sat alone in my apartment I came to the realization that everything I have been doing for God lately, writing word studies, studying the Word of God in the Greek, Hebrew and Aramaic and even trying to serve him in some overt fashion, I have not been doing it with my heart, but with my mind.  I had personal agenda’s to show off to others how spiritual I was, I was even bribing God with my services hoping he would reward me, perhaps even say; “Oy what good things you have done for me Chaim, come come I shall increase you books sales and make you famous and rich.”  Last night I wept for I realized for the first time I had left my first true love and I no longer felt His sweet presences, no longer cared whether my books sold or what people thought of me.  I only longed for His presence and His love. Now the enemy had trapped me, ensnared me his net of pride and selfishness so that I, like the Shulamite woman, no longer had my nightly tryst with the one whom my soul loveth.

I do not believe I am alone on my journey through, what St. John of the Cross described as the Dark Night of the Soul.  So as I journey through this valley, if you too have not felt the presence of God for some time,  I will ask you to join me as another pilgrim and let us travel down this dark and dreary road back to the presence of God.

The Song of Solomon is, after all poetry.  Poetry is meant to be personal.  Sure you need some discussion to understand the metaphors and personifications, but ultimately the pleasure of a poem is your own personal take on that poem and how you personally relate to it.  So what I am sharing with you is my own personal journey through the Song of Solomon and how it speaks to me personally.

I believe the setting her is that the Shulamite woman has done something to grieve her beloved.  Just as I have grieved my beloved with my pride and selfishness.  Apparently, Solomon had a habit of stopping by at night to visit and carry on a little tryst.  No one knows for sure but I like to believe that Solomon knew his love for the Shulamite woman was a forbidden love as she was betrothed to a shepherd.  Yet, the love Solomon felt for this woman was so strong he would risk scandal by sneaking out at night to be with his beloved.  Then something happened, perhaps a lover’s quarrel and now he is no longer showing up for their little tryst.  The word by night is baleyloth which comes from the root word lul which is in a plural form so it is more correctly rendered night after night.  This is important for we often think that our return from a backslidden condition can happen overnight. I don’t doubt it can but often it takes time, time to really work out the reason for the rift between you and your Savior.  Healing a relationship does not happen overnight.  Attending a good evangelistic meeting and going to the altar and weeping your heart out can only be a start, not the entire package of reconciliation. I am not seeking a bandage in my journey, a few moments of whoopee, praisealleuia, I am seeking a reconciliation.

Night after night this young broken hearted woman sits in her room watching through her window anxiously awaiting her lover who never appears.  Night after night she has the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach, that cloud of dread hanging over her and night after night she crawls into bed heart broken and depressed for her lover had not come.  Soon she can’t take it anymore and she takes to the streets at night, a dangerous thing for a single woman to do in that day, as well as a scandalous thing to do.  Yet, like a crazy woman she stops the guards and pleads with them if they have seen the one whom her soul loves.

So too I have withdrawn from everything and everyone for the next week, I have crawled under yon rock from whence I came to lick my wounds.  In desperation I am calling out to God for forgiveness and reconciliation.  I know He has forgiven, but reconciliation is going to take some time and hours, perhaps days

I suppose like many I could blot out this disturbance in my life, fill it with television, movies or even writing stories.  I am not a party person but some will go to parties, or even church socials and fill their minds and hearts with business and activity and parties just to cover over this feeling of dread of not having the presence of God.   I choose however, to not ignore, to confront it, embrace it and experience the whole empty, heart rendering, agonizing experience of not feeling that connection with my God.  I know I shall find it one day soon, I shall find that sin, that wall that separates me from His presence and when I do I will tear it down and embrace my God so tight I will never again let go as described in Song of Solomon 3:4: “Scarcely had I passed them when I found him whom my soul loves. I held him, and would not let him go until I had brought him into my mother’s house, and into the chamber of her who conceived me.”

I am very impressed with the writers use of the words the one my soul loves.  In Hebrew this she’ahavah nepheshi.   Why did the writer not use the word lev for heart, why the soul. It is very hard to define nephesh or soul. There are many different definitions and theological views on what the soul is.  It often depends upon the context to really know what we are referring to when we use the word nephesh or soul.  As I go through this journey of the dark night of my soul I am coming to a personal understanding.  I do love God with all my heart. I have since a child.  But do I love Him with my soul?   My soul loves my books sales.  My  soul loves the honor and respect of having written successful books.  My soul loves my speaking gigs.  All of this seems to belittle the love my soul has for my savior.  During this dark time I know I must seek to love Him with my soul.  For that is the greatest commandment, Matthew 22:37:  “Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.”  I have only one explanation for that verse and that is that we are to love Him with our entire being.  Note this is a commandment.  Love is a choice, a discipline.  Love means work.  During these dark days I plan to work at loving my God.