Psalms 102:6:  “I am like a pelican of the wilderness: I am like an owl of the desert.”

This is my ninth day of my Journey to discover the One Whom my soul loves. I have left behind the Dark Night of my soul and I do enjoy the presence of God in my life, but I still remain under yon rock from whence I came. There is more that God is teaching me about His love and so I continue hiding out under yon rock.

As someone who suffers from Asperger’s Syndrome I really relate to Psalms 102:6.  I often feel like this pelican or owl that are alone in the wilderness or desert giving out a woeful cry. I can’t handle social settings, it is very hard for me to make friends and keep friends. I don’t know how to handle friendships and hence I am considered snobbish or stuck up.  It is  harder still to function in a charismatic setting where they want to hug you and lay hands on you and you just can’t handle being touched.  I live in fear of being alone and yet I am terrified of social settings. I live with that fear that Charles Dickens lived with and that is when I die, will there be anyone who will weep over my passing.

It is interesting that the word pelican is modified by the word damah which is often rendered as like and the word owl simply has the preposition Kap which is rendered like or as.  Both birds the pelican or qa’ath and the owl or the kos are not flock birds.  That is they are birds that live in solitude.  As the ancients did not distinguish between species of birds as we do today there is a lot of debate over just what type of bird the writer is referring to when he says qa’ath and kos.  Actually, the kos is more likely the pelican as kos also means cup and the pelican has that cup like pouch hanging from its beak and lives by the sea.  The KJV speaks of the owl or kos of the desert. Pelicans do not live in a desert  but desert is the word chorebah which is a place of destruction or decay and owls being solitary creatures are known to dwell in places of ruin.  The qa’ath is a bird which is not a flock bird and we are told in the passage that this bird dwells in the desert or the midebar which is an uninhabited land which includes a desert.  Interesting is that it comes from the word debar which is the word for speaking from the heart.

One often goes to a deserted area to be alone, to think to really understand their heart. Hence you have the Mem put in front of debar for an isolated place because it also can be rendered as speaking from one’s heart. I am dwelling in a midebar right now, in isolation where I can speak to God from my heart.  The qa’ath is a desert bird or a bird that is not a flock bird but one that lives alone in an isolated place and gives a woeful cry as if crying out of loneliness.

I have a friend who has a three and a half foot long Macaw White Parrot.  If you know anything about parrots you know they can scream, a blood curdling, loud cry.  They will scream like a rooster when the sun comes up and scream again to tell the sun goodbye when it goes down.  They will scream if they sense a threat and they will scream if they are lonely.   They are flock birds and need to be around others.  If left alone too long they will send out an ear piercing scream and not just one scream but it can continue for many minutes until they wear themselves out or grow horse.  This is often the reason such birds find themselves homeless.  Instead of the scream drawing others to him it will chase others away defeating its purpose.

The other day my friend took her Macaw named Kia out of his cage, but her on top of the cage and put on the song Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen.  When the first beat hit Kia immediately bobbed her head and began to keep in time with the music bobbing her head up and down, side to side and strutting back and forth across the top of her cage in perfect time with the music.  She would stop strutting, face us bobbing her head to the beat of the drum as it played a solo and then when the backup music began she started strutting again.   The music stopped and my friend and I laughed and we retired to the living room talk and had no sooner sat down when all of a sudden Kia began to scream with his loud, annoying, obnoxious scream.  My friend had to get up and walk into the next room and speak to Kia to quiet her down.  Kia was just lonely.  Here she put on this little show for us and then we walk away ignoring her.

I could not help but think of something I read in the Talmud.  When a bird sings and dances for you he is telling you that the Holy Spirit is seeking your attention.   I could not help but think of  worship services I attended where I really felt the presence of the Holy Spirit.  It was as if the Holy Spirit was putting on a performance for us and then the service ends we all walk out of the sanctuary and start discussing the latest athletic event or our jobs or any number of subjects totally removed from the worship service.  It is as one friend described to me like God saying, “Hey here I am, I am here, come on let’s talk but everyone just walks away feeling entertained.”

So I have felt the presences of God, I can feel His love again, but I am not ready to walk away, I don’t just want to be entertained like Kia putting on her dance.  I want to stay isolated for a little while longer so I can talk with God  and learn more of His love.

People with Asperger’s Syndrome usually do not attend church or a small fellowship as such social situations terrorizes them. Especially charismatic situations where they want to lay hands on you and hug you which is something that someone with Asperger’s can’t handle and will drive them into a state of panic as they do not like being touched.  I survive in such social situations by praying or reading my Bible so I don’t have to explain why I will not join their picnic, pot luck or little group discussion. When people ask if they can pray for me I always refuse as I know it will mean they will touch me in some way like holding my hand or laying a hand on me.  But there is one perk to having Asperger’s Syndrome and that is that you can be comfortable in insolation and people with Asperger’s Syndrome are often very focused and hence I can focus on God’s love while under yon rock from whence I came. Which I what I shall be doing on this my ninth day of my Journey to discover the One Whom my soul loveth.