Hosea 6:5: “For I desire mercy and not sacrifice and the knowledge of God  more than burnt offerings.”

As I enter into Day # 5 of my Journey of the Dark Night of my Soul and my search for the one whom my soul loves I find myself asking why I want to feel the presence of the Lord in the first place.  I am beginning to think that this is a very selfish thing.  I am so focused on my self-pity and what I want that I have really tuned out the voice of God.   How much of what I do for the Lord is really nothing more than a bribe.  I pay my tithe.  Really?  I pay it?  Like God is an employee, He is getting paid for His services?  How did this term paying tithes even originate.  I thought we give our tithes and offerings.  Has it become a requirement to gets God’s blessings?  We will not experience all God has for us if we rob Him or cheat Him of our tithes.  I heard on Christian radio today where someone called in saying he had a small business along with his regular job.  Did he need to tithe from that small business as well?  Like an old Jewish sage the radio pastor went into great detail as to what constitutes tithe and what should be included.  Should  you tithe 10% of a birthday gift, or found money?  I mean we sure don’t want to cheat God do we?  How about a winning lottery ticket?  I heard of a man who attended a church that considered gambling a sin, but he purchased a lottery ticket anyways and won. He made sure to give 10% to the church and the pastor received it without a word.  Do we tithe

God will punish us?  Perhaps we will lose our blessings?

I have noticed something very strange during this Journey and that is even though I do not feel the presence of God and I am dealing with a sin in my life; God is still blessing me, answering my prayers, and watching over me.  I almost had an accident today and only the grace of God prevented it, I know it, and I am sure of it.  My first reaction was: “God, I didn’t deserve your intervention.”

So you will say: “Hey, what’s  your beef, you’re good, you’ve got God’s blessing on your life, what more do you want?”  Today I had a real awakening as I drove by St. John of the Cross High School on County Line Road in La Grange today.  Do I dare call it an epiphany?  Yes, it was indeed an epiphany.  It was like Jesus came and sat next to me and whispered to me, “Do you love me like he (St. John of the Cross)?”  God wasn’t asking me because He didn’t know if I loved Him or not, I knew instantly it was a rhetorical question.  He knew the answer and He wanted me to know it.  I realized then and there, Yes, I do love Him, I love Him with all my heart soul and might. If I never feel His presence again while on this earth it is enough to know I truly love Him, not as an escape from Hell, not as a Savior of my soul, not because he blesses me and answers my prayers, but I love Him just because He is someone you just want to love.

You see we are created in His image, that means we have the capacity to not only love, but we also have a need to love, to love very deeply, to love enough that we would die for the one we love.  I recently read a story about the serial killer who killed many people in a theater.  The story told of a young man who died when he threw himself on top of his girlfriend to protect her and ended up taking the bullet meant for her, he die in her place.  “Greater love hath no man that this, that a man lay down his life for his friend.” John 15:13.  When you give your very life for another, you love without any regard for what you may receive in return.  Again, I wept, but now out of pure joy.  It was not the presence of God I felt, but that warm, fluffy, fuzzy feeling of loving Someone.  You see I suffer from Asperger Syndrome and it is very hard for me to form friendships and relationships.  That is why feeling the presence of God is so important to me for I have no one but Him to fulfill that need I have to love and I can fulfill this need to love by loving Him.

My grandmother would get up at 3:00 AM on Sunday morning to bake biscuits that my brothers and I loved like it was candy.  I don’t know if we ever did anything for grandma except be selfish demanding kids. Yet, she loved us, she never asked for anything in return and she delighted in getting up at 3:00 in the morning to bake biscuits knowing that it would bring us joy.  Her reward was not only to see the delight in our eyes but having found some way to express her capacity and need to love.  God has a need to love and like children we take advantage of it little realizing that we too have a need to love.  We cast our love on our mates, our siblings, our friends, our pets all to satisfy that need to love. Which is entirely right and by God’s design. But, I come to understand now, it is not enough that God loves me, I have a need to love Him in return and to find some way that will bring delight to His eyes.  I need to find the biscuits to bake for Him.

I am not searching for God’s love, I have that.  I am not searching for His presence, I will have that for eternity.  No,  I am searching for a way to bring Him pleasure and when I find it, I will rejoice for the remainder of my life bringing Him that pleasure.

God wants mercy not our sacrifices, not my tithe, my offerings, my service He wants mercy.  We automatically assume that means showing mercy to others, which it does, but does God need mercy from us? The word mercy in Hosea 3 here is chasad.  This word itself means kindness, but the spelling of the word Cheth, Samek and Daleth  tells us that this is a kindness which comes from joining ourselves to God to offer comfort and shelter as a doorway to worship.  Wait a minute, does God need comfort and shelter?

I have a friend who has an obnoxious parrot, two dogs and two cats.  They shed, the dogs bark, the cats poop and scratch the furniture.  But my friend faithfully digs deep into her merger income to feed them, care for them and take them to the vet.  What good do these dumb animals do anyways.  When she is distressed they come to her, snuggle up to her and demand attention, which somehow brings her comfort. I am probably like that obnoxious parrot to God, I sure don’t contribute much to His kingdom, and yet I am there for Him to love and when I cheerfully chirp to Him in love, God’s heart melts and He finds pleasure in me.

My Journey is not over, I still have not felt the presence of God, but it is not so important right now, what I need is to know what will bring Him pleasure.  Hosea 3:6 says not only mercy but knowledge.

Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord for knowledge that in my heart will run deep.