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Jn 21:15-17: “So when they had dined, Jesus saith to Simon Peter, Simon, [son] of Jonas, lovest thou me more than these? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my lambs. 16 He saith to him again the second time, Simon, [son] of Jonas, lovest thou me? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my sheep.17 He saith unto him the third time, Simon, [son] of Jonas, lovest thou me? Peter was grieved because he said unto him the third time, Lovest thou me? And he said unto him, Lord, thou knowest all things; thou knowest that I love thee. Jesus saith unto him, Feed my sheep.”

 

Actually, St. John of the Cross did not coin the term the Dark Night of His Soul. In fact he never gave his poem a title and he only referred to it as the Dark Night which narrates the journey of the soul from its bodily home to its union with God.  He called this journey the Dark Night.  We are not sure who coined the phrase of the Dark Night of the Soul, it was just picked up by the Catholic Church to describe anyone who was going through a spiritual crisis. This may explain the popularity of the poem for over 500 years up to today.  Many many believers have gone through or are going through their own Dark Night of the Soul or spiritual crisis. Such notables who experienced such a crisis or Dark Night of the Soul was St. Paul of the Cross 18th Century saint whose dark night lasted 45 years as he questioning the afterlife.  Saint Therese of Lisieux a 19th Century Carmelite, one who devoted herself to prayer wrote of an extended period of doubt.  Even Mother Teresa wrote in letters released in 1948 that she lived in this darkness from 1948 up to her death in 1997, almost 50 years.

 

I have a theory, only a theory and I stand to be corrected but after living in Christianity for 66 years, I believe that those who have never gone through a period of doubt, questioning, not feeling God’s presence, wondering if this whole religious thing is real not are the exceptions but the rule. I believe every believer must reach a point of maturity in their relationship with God where they ask, “Is this all real, do I really love God.”  I think it is a sort of right of passage.

 

I believe Peter faced this crisis with Jesus.  After three years of walking with Jesus and listening to Him teach that when the moment came he denied Him three times. He swore he would never deny his beloved Lord.  Such a thing was unheard of in his mind.  Yet watching Jesus being arrested, all his hopes of a kingdom being set up were collapsing, I think Peter had a crisis of faith. I believe Peter entered a dark night of his soul.

 

It wasn’t until I started to study Greek that I thought I came to understand John 21:15-17.  Three times Jesus ask Peter if he loved Him. Peter insisted that he did and when asked the third time he was grieved.   In the Greek, the first two times Jesus asked Peter if he loved Him he used the word agape unconditional love.  Peter replied that he phileo friendship love Jesus.   Then the third time Jesus asked if Peter even phileo Him.  This really grieved Peter.  He knew he could not admit to agape love, an unconditional love for he denied his master, but he knew he was at least a friend or phileo to Jesus.  Except the third time Jesus even questioned if Peter was His friend as the third time Jesus asked Peter not if he agape but phileo.  Peter must have been totally shattered and heart broken.

 

All these  years I followed the Greek but now during this period of time as I searched for the One Whom my soul loves I tend to think the English translations and the KJV had it right all along. Jesus and Peter spoke Aramaic not Greek.  In the Aramaic all the times the word love is used it is racham.  Not ahav, a general love, but racham, a love that is deep, abiding and from the heart.  Peter, like me, must have been miserable thinking that his love for Jesus was just superficial, how could he had denied Him if he truly racham.  I believe those days, those hour before that little fireside chat on the beach Peter went through the torment I have gone through these past seven days.   The Bible does say Peter wept after the denial.  I believe he continued to weep as I wept.  I believe he felt so alienated from His Lord that he was overwhelmed with a feeling of loneliness.  His heart burned to minister the love of Jesus but he just couldn’t do it for he questioned his love for Jesus and just returned to his fishing.

 

These past seven days I questioned my love for Jesus, did I really love Him?  Was my love just a fake, phony, a means to an end?  Yet, my heart cried out to love Him, but how could I know for sure?  How could I be sure I was not using God.  How could I be sure my love for Him was real, that it was truly racham?   This morning as I wept before God I literally heard him ask: “Do you love me?”  I replied like I thought Peter replied, “No, not agape, just phileo.”  Then I heard Him say something else: “Did you ever look that passage up in the Aramaic.”   For the first time I did and realized that Peter did not admit to a failure of love but in His presence he knew he loved Jesus, he racham and affirmed it three times and was grieved when Jesus had to asked a third time. The word grieve in Aramaic is kara’ which is a play on the word charah which means to exposed.  Peter’s heart was grieved because Jesus exposed his doubts.  I understand. As I realized that I did love Him truly, I felt ashamed for even doubting it.  Like Peter I let my failures cause me to question my love and this truly grieved me that I allowed it to separate me from the One Whom my soul loved.

 

I know I love Him, racham.  I know I have failed Him so much, but I also know I am grieved not over that failure but allowing it to cause me to question my love for Him.  I am ready for that hug, but not yet.  I know there is more.

 

 

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