II  Samuel 12:10: “Now therefore the sword shall never depart from thine house because thou has despised me and hast taken the wife of UriUriah the Hittite to be thy wife.”

I have been on a seven year journey to discover the heart of God. This journey has taken me to a monastery where I lived in silence, it took me to the Catskill mountains where I spent time in silence. It has caused me to re-evaluate my whole life, my attitudes and desires. As I have written many times, these studies are really a journal chronicling my journey to discover the heart of God. Lately this journey has been interrupted. I have been overwhelmed by the cares of this world worrying about how the sales of my book is going, whether I will ever be able to minister again like I used to, worry about, I don’t know even my anxieties have anxieties. As I sit down at this very moment to study a passage of Scripture nothing is coming to me. That flow, that revelatory knowledge from the Spirit of God is just not there. Usually, I open to a passage of Scripture and understanding just flows and it is like God revealing some new insight for me. Lately, I have examined various passages of Scripture and I know there is some message in there that God wants me to ponder, but for some reason, I can’t discover this message. I look at the verse in various commentaries, I examine each word in the original Hebrew, I check it out in the Septuagint, look through Jewish literature, examine it esoterically and still I come up dry and empty. I pound on my Looking Glass, but even my Looking Glass will not let me pass through into Hebrew Esoteric Land where I have learned so much about the heart of God.
It is now 4:30 in the morning and I am staring into my Looking Glass hanging from my Daleth. I am tired, discouraged and I can’t sleep. I’m crying out to God asking why he is not allowing me to pass through my Looking Glass hanging from my Daleth where I can visit my friends from the Hebrew Alphabet and gain new insights. They never let me down, they always reveal to me new and exciting things about God and my relationship with Him.
Suddenly in my mind’s eye I see that Scripture passage II Samuel 12:10. This is the story of David when he sinned with Bathsheba and Nathan has told a little story of a ewe lamb which shows the depth of David’s sin against God. My eyes focus on the word bazah despise. It is spelled “Beth, Zayin and Hei.” I stare at this word as if it is the first time I have seen it. God is saying that David, this man who deeply loved God, a man after God’s own heart, a man who wrote such beautiful love poems to God is being told that he despised God. My spirit is quicken, I pray: “God have I despised you? Surely I have not despised you. I mean I certainly have not sinned like David, I’ve never committed adultery. I am a good person, a real good Christian. I’ve sacrificed a lot for you, I pray to you, read and study your word, I am worth so much to you. Heck, I am sure my Catholic friends would even encourage me to pose for a holy card.”

Suddenly, Beth, Zayin and Hei (Bazah – despise) jump out of my Hebrew Bible. Each are dressed in a black cloak with a hood carrying a scythe like the Grim Reaper. I suddenly hear the theme music from the old Alfred Hitchcock show, Charles Gound’s “Funeral March of a Marionette.” Beth, Zayin and Hei take my hand and say: “Come, let us step into the shadow of the Looking Glass behind the Daleth. Gulp! But I am desperate to feel and experience that revelatory flow of messages from God’s Word, so I take my friend’s hand.
I follow my friends through the Looking Glass behind my Daleth and we enter a dark stormy world. Beth, Zayin and Hei said they were taking me to see their shadows which will show me how I have despised God. This is intense, my Hebrew letter friends have never voluntarily expose me to their shadows, I am in for it now.
We approach a large gathering of Hebrew letters, they are all gathered around Beth‘s shadow, cheering, and praising the shadow of Beth. The shadow of Beth is dressed in beautiful robes, he carries a large Bible and has such a pious glow about him I almost need sun glasses. My friend Beth whispers to me that his shadow purchased that glow stuff at Walgreen’s in the “As Seen on TV” section for $5.98. It comes in a bottle and says on the package that with “one application it will make you look like you’ve just seen the Lord.” Everyone was oohing and ahhing Beth’s Shadow and I heard a shadow of Taw (Misdirected praise) declare: “Oy, what a learned Beth we have here, come, come we must sit under his teaching.”
Beth poked me in the side and asked: “Sound familiar? My Shadow, the Shadow of Beth represents spiritual pride and spiritual superiority. When you allow yourself to think of yourself better than other Christians, more knowledgeable than other believers, you have despised bazah God for all knowledge comes from Him and He gives it as He pleases.
Suddenly I feel something in my back like a knife or sword. I look around and it is the shadow of Zayin which is shaped like a sword. He is the second letter in the word Bazah or despise. I notice he is dressed in expensive clothing and has just stepped from a fancy chauffeur driven limousine. Zayin’s shadow has his hand out and asks: “Hey buddy, can you spare a dime, it is for the Lord’s work. Of course I will deduct 50% for my own personal expenses. You understand, we don’t want people to think our God expects us to live on the cheap do you, why no one would believe in Him if He did not reward us with some material wealth.” “That’s my shadow,” Zayin, the second letter in Bazah despise, whispers to me. “My Zayin’s Shadow is never satisfied with all the good blessings God gives him, he just wants more and more. He is constantly complaining to God over things he does not have and is never grateful for the many blessings he does have.” Suddenly my Zayin friend jabs me in the side with his elbow and looks at me with knowing eyes: “Sounds familiar? God has given you your health, a steady income, a roof over your head, a full stomach, but yet when was the last time you thanked Him for all that rather than complain about what you don’t have. Your lack of thanks giving and complaining about what you don’t have is the Shadow second letter in the word despise, the Zayin, who is showing you how you have despise God.
Suddenly, I hear a loud wail. I look around and I see the shadow of the third letter in the word bazah – despise. It is the shadow of the broken letter Hei walking on crutches and moaning: “Like wow is me, like wow is me.” “That’s woe is me” I say, “And what are you complaining about?” “Oh, but I fell down and I am all broken up, I can’t do anything anymore, I am so useless, I have nothing to give to God nor can I serve Him because I am so broken up.” Suddenly my friend the third letter from bazah despise Hei lights up and looks me right in the eye and ask: “Well?, sound familiar?”
Humbly I look at my friends Beth, Zayin and Hei (Bazah – despise) and say: “I understand that when I follow the shadow of Beth I allow myself to feel spiritually proud, I am despising the one who should get all the praise. When I am dissatisfied with the way things are going and want more and complain to God I am following the shadow of Zayin and despise God’s gifts to me including his greatest gift of His Son. When I feel sorry for myself and feel like I am of no value I am despising God’s very creation and saying He made a mistake when He created me. I realize now the cause of my writer’s block, I have become too self absorbed. Yet I know and understand that David committed adultery and murder and God forgave him and restored him to His presence.”
Well, I am back in my apartment before my Hebrew Bible saying good bye to my friends “Beth, Zayin and Hei (Bazah – despise) and thanking them for showing me how I can so easily despise the God I love by becoming so self absorbed with pride, personal desires and self pity. Perhaps with a little repentance, I might find my way out of this writer’s block.